What Hurts The Most

Today 18th October 2008, day started with waking up late… my parents went to Beaufort. Called Zaiful and he offer to send me to Azeem’s house.

List of people I met today, from the time I woke up …

My Mum
My Dad
My Momo and Tiger
A dog sleeping next to a car
My Grandparents
My Cousin, Tommy
The lady who sells reload
Zaiful
Pink
Wiwie
Amy
Amy’s Husband
Azeem
Asron
Azeem’s Parents
Azeem’s Relatives
My Cousin, Cory
Cory’s Friend, Ikiy
Waitress
My Mum and Dad
My Cat, Momo
My Mum

2pm – Zaiful fetch me to Azeem’s house
5.15pm- Finish eating session (Open House) at Azeem’s place
Cory pick me at Likas and went to Tg.Aru Beach for a drink
7.45pm- Sent Cory’s friend, Ikiy back to her house
8pm- Arrive home and got scolded for wearing like a ‘Datin’. (Wahahahahaha….)
8.15pm- Finish my shower.
8.49pm- Missed call to Jeremy and he called back. Guess what?! He just landed,
(Zaiful told me earlier that Jeremy will be piloting the flight from KL)He is in first
beach… (Just 3 meters away from the place I sat)
9pm- Fold my clothes and clean my room
9.25pm- Start drafting my Proposal for an upcoming project.
10.15pm- I called him. Miss him ..but….
10.41pm- Wiwie called me. Asking me some stuff.
10.50pm- Download some love songs… (In an ‘indescribable’ mood)
10.56pm-Updating blogs and recall what I did today.
10.59pm- I’m boring. How I miss Philippines and the food. How I miss making myself
isolated from this world. How I miss having a cold hearted heart. How I miss the.
times that I live and breath for not thinking bout’ him. How I miss the feeling of ‘
un-pathetic’. How I miss being a bully and hated everyone for a moment. And
how I wanted to grown up, again.. and make sure I don’t think of nonsense and
stay optimistic in life.

11.12pm- Listen to Rascal Flatts, What Hurts The Most?

And so what hurts the most? I remember the first time I listen to this song was when a friend of mine sends it to my YM. He was heart broken. He told me about the girl he loved so much and because of one mistake he did, she left him. And so the thing that hurt him was she left him. At this moment I asked me myself, what hurt me most? It will be so pathetic to say backstabbers or things that happen in life like dead hurt me most. I mean that is hurt, but not that kinda of ‘hurt’ description. I haven’t found the answer for what makes me hurt the most. I guess, I will wait the day when he meet me… then I will say he is the one who will make what hurt the most in me. ..

‘takkan pernah habis air mataku, bila ku ingat tentang dirimu….. mungkin hanya kau tahu mengapa sampai saat ini ku masih sendiri... adakah disana kau rindu padaku ..meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda.....bila masih mungkin waktu berputar kan ku tunggu dirimu.. biar la ku simpan sampai nanti aku akan ada disana..tenang la dirimu dalam kedamaian ...dengar la cinta ku..kau tak terlihat lagi..namun cinta mu abadi.....’

One thing that ‘kills’ me is my parents. I will sacrifice my life for them. I will do anything. Yet, sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. It’s like so hard to live in her dictatorship and his egoism. Let me remind you that, living with people who cant accept their wrong doings as a mistake and think they are bloody powerful to discipline me is horrified. Somehow they are not ‘diplomatic’. How I wanted to end my life so much that I have blade in my drawer. But I was coward. I didn’t dare to. I remind myself how life can be so fascinating. Is this the phrases that take place in everyone’s life? Nah... If anyone would think I’m the person who laughs and smiles, who yells and jokes, who cares and mocks, and also who is a person who loves doing stupid stuff and pranks. You haven’t seen the weedy side of me. How I wanted to die now… and in the progression of asking myself, am I going to hell….. Okay, and yes I am weak. How I need Abbe and Bobby right now to scream at me. Again I miss them so much! Peoples that I’ve met and I cherished so much. Shan, Bobby and Abbe. Who gives me thought of life and who accepted me as a friend despite age, race and flaw.


I hugged Teddy to sleep. –end-